Girl on the move.....

Have you noticed birds? When its winter in one region, they move on to another place where they can breed. I wonder how easily they adjust to the new environment. This bird is also on a move. She is going to a new place where there are new people, new office and new sorroundings. First time ever in my life, i am leaving my home and going far off for work. I have no clue how am i going to handle it. Not everyone is happy with this decision but one day or the other we all have to move on in life and i think this is the right time for me to explore new place and new people.

I have mixed feelings. I am happy but at the same time slightly nervous about the future. I am not feeling sad to leave my home (because i am taking all my belongings with me, so that will make me feel at home wherever i go) but i am definitely sad to leave my father. My dear dad is so used to me now that he doesnt know what to do after i go. I am sad to leave him but i dont show my feelings to him because that will make him more weak and you never know, he might even discourage me from going there. Now that i am moving to a new place, even he wants to shift there but can't.... because of his job. But now he is seriously thinking of starting a business or search for some work, so that even he can join me there.

This is what made me realise how important i am for him. He fights with me, he shouts me but he cares for me and loves me though never ever in his lifetime he would express this to me. But somethings are best left unsaid and if a person is close enough they would easily understand this, isnt it?

TWO MONTHS LATER:

Today i continue to write this blog after two months...I have adjusted to the new place and i am happy. When i came here, i was totally blank. A numb feeling. Did not know what to do...where to go. For a moment, i thought, was this necessary? Today i stay here as a paying guest. I was not sure whether i had taken the right decision. But just left everything to God. But today, things are totally different. I used to think how birds adjust to new sorroundings with changing seasons..but you know what, not just birds but all living beings adjust everywhere but we humans have one problem...we think a lot...we think a lot of unnecessary things... :)

But one thing that i noticed is that, i never missed mumbai and that surprises me a lot. Being born and brought up there, nobody believes me that i dont miss that place. But that is a fact. The warmth and the belongingness of this state is fabulous. Maybe this is the major difference i see between kerala and mumbai. Mumbai is a busy place, nobody has time for anybody. Warmth is there but you need to search for it. Its May end here and its already raining. and its cold in the evening. And its fun. Being here, i am enjoying my life to the fullest. No worries at all.

You know what!! I have a personal suggesstion, that everyone once in there lifetime, should come down to kerala and just experience the beauty of this state. No wonder this place is called Gods own country. It is simply marvellous. When i go to my hometown every weekend, the beautiful scenary that i see from the train is simply superb. I feel like i have reached heaven. All that beautiful imagination is running through my mind right now. It is rightly said "Home is where the heart is" :)

My last moments with mumma

I tried to find the exact definition of the word ” mother” but I failed. But why do I need to? Don’t I know? Maybe not really. Because before I could realize the meaning, I lost her. Today I sit and think and I know…it’s the purest form of love. Mother means unconditional love. She is an angel who will love, without expecting anything in return. She knows that she might not get the same love back but she doesn’t care.We know, that she will always be there to help us….protect us….but still, why is it that we take her for granted?? I am one among those unfortunate ones who had always taken my mother for granted. She cooks food for us but we keep cribbing about the same. We come from our work back home…throw our shoes at one corner, our bags at the other corner. And mom, she quietly picks that shoe or that bag and keeps it in the rack and the shelf respectively and we?? We never realize the same, isn’t it? What does she get for doing all these?? Nothing!!! But still she loves us a lot…she loves us for the way we are.

I still remember my mother would shout at me for not helping her in the kitchen…for being so lazy, but I would pay no attention to it. And when I would come to the kitchen to help her, she would calmly sent me back and say “Go and study…I will take care here”. And then I would shout, “Then don’t say that I don’t help you…and then she would smile”. How beautiful were those days!! Her death was a major setback for my family and me. Never in our dreams had we ever thought that we would have to face this day.

During my college days, I used to attend free seminars on personality development (I used to attend them because they were free). One of those seminar was on Problems related to women. It also covered topic on menopause. It was at then that time i understood this concept. I realized that this was a situation that women between the age group of 45-55 face. The person sharing this knowledge was a doctor. It was only then that I realized that maybe my mother might also be going through the same problem. It was then that I realized, how important it is for me to support my mother during this period. She has been with me during my ups and downs…and now it’s my turn.

I went back home realizing how I had always taken her for granted and I decided to take some responsibilities in my hand. I felt I should thank mumma for whatever she had done for me. I reached home…mumma was suffering from minor cold. The moment I reached home, I forgot everything…I forgot that I had to thank mumma…As usual I took her for granted.

Mumma cooked lunch for us..in the evening she started feeling uneasy. She took some Vicks balm and massaged it on her chest. Thereafter all the problems began…she started feeling very uneasy…she started crying…we all got nervous…we took her to the doctor…after examination and medicines she came back home…we gave her some electrolyte water…she liked it…she asked for more…that half an hour she was fine…but again she started feeling uneasy…she fell unconcsious..Me and my brother picked her to the bed…she was unconcsious..I started waking her up…she woke…we all got nervous…she had low blood pressure…finally late night she was admitted in the hospital…

That night she did not sleep at all…. neither did I. Since there were only ladies in the room, my father told me to stay back with my mumma. I did. She was wide-awake. So was I. But she did not speak anything. I wonder what she was thinking. I was sitting and she was lying down. Looking at me sitting and tired, she made some space in her bed and told me to sleep with her. I refused and told her to be comfortable. Even at that point of time she was concerned about me.

Next morning, father came. He bought some tea. Mumma was absolutely fine at that time. She told my father to take me home and directly come in the afternoon with lunch. She said that now she is fine. My father dropped me home and after few while telephone rang. Without knowing anything, I picked the receiver and the nurse said that mumma is serious. For a moment….I did not know what to do. I started crying profusely. I kept the phone and ran to say this to my father. I couldn’t say this to him. And when he understood what I was saying, for the first time in my lifetime, I saw my father crying. We left everything and ran towards the hospital, which was very far. I just kept praying to god that nothing would happen. I was very confident that nothing would happen. God can never do this to us. And this can never happen to us. But unfortunately it happened…. and it happened to us. My mumma had already gone leaving all of us behind. After we had left in the morning, she had a heart pain and that was it…she left us…

Its more than 4 years now…but i still feel as if this incident took place yesterday…its so fresh in my mind…No matter how hard i try to forget, i fail. For the first one month, i had fear of telephone and door bell ringing. I used to curse god for what he had done to me. But more than the curse…it was a regret that i never told mumma what she meant to me…i never told my mumma how much i love her. I wish i could have told her when she was alive….As usual i had taken her for granted…Now i pray to her everyday and tell her how i love her…how much i miss her…

Slowly life started getting back to normal. Slowly i realized that this has to happen to everyone. Its just that this happened to me little early. I started getting closer to god. This incident has now made me very strong. Now i feel that mumma is always there with me. I know she is up there next to god watching me. But one thing that i miss today is mumma’s love. Every time i see a mother loving her child, i have tears in my eyes..and i don’t know how to overcome this problem.

One thing that i have learnt in my life is never keep your feelings within yourself. If you have good feelings for anybody or if you want to appreciate anybody, never delay in saying it to that person. Never keep it for some other time. That other time never comes. You never know what is going to happen in future.